Forgiving God

I was so angry at God. I believed He either hated me or didn’t care. If He really loved me He would have stopped my abuse and made my father love me. But God was silent.  I figured, since He didn’t care about me, I would turn my back on Him. From the age of eight until I was forty-eight years old I had nothing to do with God. I turned to everything else. I tried therapy, sex, drugs, the occult, other gods and goddesses. But nothing brought relief from my abuse. Depression clouded my mind and suicide was an ongoing obsession.

Little did I know that God kept pursuing me and even used ungodly things to preserve my life until I finally came to the realization that I needed Him.  Even after I was saved, I still was angry at God. We had a love-hate relationship and I needed to clear the air between us.

One day I went for a walk by the reservoir near my home and raged at God. I told Him how I felt. I blamed Him for abandoning me. Told Him how He could have done better in my life, how disappointed I was at Him.  I raged for hours. God listened.

Eventually I calmed down and God showered me with love, but He refused to show me where He was during my abuse. I wasn’t to find out for years.  In His infinite wisdom, He knew that I wasn’t ready to hear the answer. Like a loving parent, He gave me what I could handle and kept the rest until I matured.

As I learned more about God, I realized I was in error.  My anger was misplaced. I was really angry at satan. But satan was so scary for me that I took my anger out on God.  God bore my anger until I could place it in the proper place.  When I came to my senses, I apologized to Him.

He said, “That’s okay Heather, at least you were talking to Me.”

He knew that even angry words would open up the channels of communication between us. God was willing to bear my tantrums until we could talk rationally. He knew that I needed more time in the Bible learning about Him before I would see the truth. He loved me enough to patiently wait for my anger to abate.

If you are angry at God, He understands. It is okay to share with Him what you are feeling.  In fact, if you are angry at anyone, God is the perfect one to tell about the hurts you have received. He won’t spread Gossip and He is the only one who can really make a difference.

God knows our hearts. He knows our anger, our joy, our sorrow, our hurts. Nothing is going to surprise God. In fact, authentic prayer is sharing our real feelings with God. As we talk things out with HIm, He will help us to come to a greater understanding.

But be fair – give God time to answer.  Listen to what He says. He most often speaks in a still small voice in our spirits, seldom does He speak out loud. We can get an impression or an idea from God that can help us. One God idea can move us further and faster than any idea from our own minds.

How do we know it is a God idea?  A God idea will line up with the BIble, the Word of God.  God will not contradict Himself or His Word. If in doubt, find someone who is a godly counselor and run your idea by them. God ideas are based on truth and His Word.  The spirit and the Word must agree.

Now that I know God, the kind of anger I had above would not be appropriate. God was willing to accept me where I was back then, but we have walked together for ten years now, and there is a greater level of accountability.  I still am honest with God, and not afraid to ask Him to help me understand what is happening in my life. He is never afraid of our questions. He wants us to come to Him and share what we are feeling.

Suggestion: Take some time talking and listening to God today. He loves you so much.

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About Heather Marsten

Welcome to Heather's Blog. I'm looking forward to meeting you and checking out your sites. I just moved about nine years of material over from another blog site, Xanga, who may close down mid-July. At first I was disappointed to make the move because I had a lifetime membership at Xanga and had to spend weeks transferring posts. But now I'm thrilled. Already I've met new bloggers and read many new websites. Blogging is a wonderful way to expand my horizons and garner new ideas. I'm a happily married mom of three young adults. My husband and I are proud to watch our children grow and venture out into the world. My daughter is still in college but my two sons have graduated. One has a job and the other just graduated and is in the process of finding a job in his field, physics. Anyone know of any jobs out there? I'm proud of our children and love watching them grow and mature. They've become fine, compassionate, and loving people. Empty nest? Nah, I'm too busy to let an empty nest bother me. Not enough hours in the day. My husband and I enjoy quiet time together and I have many interests to pursue - one of which is blogging :D I am a born-again believer and love God. As you read this blog, you will discover that Bible studies thrill me. There is so much wisdom contained between the covers of the Bible and I am fortunate to sit under the teachings of a remarkable pastor, Pastor Don Moore. Members of our church (Living Word Chapel in West Hurley, New York) are encouraged to teach and there are visiting pastors who stop by our church, I also study the Bible on my own and love sharing what I learn. One other passion is writing. My current work in process is a memoir. A scene from my memoir was published in a book called: Heavenly Company: Entertaining Angels Unaware - an anthology of angelic encounters compiled by Cecil Murphy. I'm hoping my memoir will encourage other survivors of abuse. I grew up in a home filled with abuse, including incest. For most of my life I was searching for something that would fill the void of not being loved by my parents. I tried many ways to find that love -- therapy, relationships, occult studies, and keeping my life so filled I had no way to think about my past. It was only when I discovered God that I was able to put the pieces of my life back together and walk forward in a joyous life. My nickname - wondering has changed from wondering where the heck God was in my life, to wondering what incredible adventure is going to happen next. I hope you enjoy my site. Please say hi, share some thoughts, and ask questions. I look forward to meeting you and checking out your sites. Have a blessed day. Heather
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8 Responses to Forgiving God

  1. ABH! says:

    Wow! I am so inspired by your post. Thanks so much for sharing your story… it might just be the balm that someone needs to desperately open the channels with Him. God bless you sweetly and shalom to you.
    ABH

    • Abh, thanks so much for your comment. I’m glad it inspired you and I pray that it will help someone else. I spent forty years angry at God and wished I had argued with Him earlier, I missed so much time. Shalom to you as well. A couple of years ago I visited Israel, awesome, awesome country. On my other blog in Xanga which is www (dot) xanga (dot) com backslash wondering04 I have pictures from Israel. Have a blessed day. Heather

  2. marini says:

    Its amazing testimony , yes its very true that we need to listen God’s word. God’s love is Great.. Its really nice to read,I love reading it. God bless you.He is the Alpha and Omega
    marini

    • Amen Marini. He is the Alpha and Omega. God is awesome and works many miracles. Our church is full of people with testimonies that show His greatness. In our discipleship classes, one of our assignments is to craft a two minute testimony. We present these to the rest of the class. After you’ve heard seventy or eighty remarkable testimonies you leave the room with awe at the wondrous works God has and is doing. Have a blessed day.

  3. Yvette says:

    Amazing testimony and so inspiring,and yes, God does listen.
    Blessed to hear that you are walking in total freedom with the Lord.

    • Thank you. I am in awe of what God has done in my life and in others. He is truly an amazing, miracle-working God. What I love best is His sense of humor and surprises. Have a blessed day.
      Heather

  4. Deborah says:

    So glad He deals with us by the condition of our hearts and not the frustration on our lips. 🙂

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