I was so angry at God. I believed He either hated me or didn’t care. If He really loved me He would have stopped my abuse and made my father love me. But God was silent. I figured, since He didn’t care about me, I would turn my back on Him. From the age of eight until I was forty-eight years old I had nothing to do with God. I turned to everything else. I tried therapy, sex, drugs, the occult, other gods and goddesses. But nothing brought relief from my abuse. Depression clouded my mind and suicide was an ongoing obsession.
Little did I know that God kept pursuing me and even used ungodly things to preserve my life until I finally came to the realization that I needed Him. Even after I was saved, I still was angry at God. We had a love-hate relationship and I needed to clear the air between us.
One day I went for a walk by the reservoir near my home and raged at God. I told Him how I felt. I blamed Him for abandoning me. Told Him how He could have done better in my life, how disappointed I was at Him. I raged for hours. God listened.
Eventually I calmed down and God showered me with love, but He refused to show me where He was during my abuse. I wasn’t to find out for years. In His infinite wisdom, He knew that I wasn’t ready to hear the answer. Like a loving parent, He gave me what I could handle and kept the rest until I matured.
As I learned more about God, I realized I was in error. My anger was misplaced. I was really angry at satan. But satan was so scary for me that I took my anger out on God. God bore my anger until I could place it in the proper place. When I came to my senses, I apologized to Him.
He said, “That’s okay Heather, at least you were talking to Me.”
He knew that even angry words would open up the channels of communication between us. God was willing to bear my tantrums until we could talk rationally. He knew that I needed more time in the Bible learning about Him before I would see the truth. He loved me enough to patiently wait for my anger to abate.
If you are angry at God, He understands. It is okay to share with Him what you are feeling. In fact, if you are angry at anyone, God is the perfect one to tell about the hurts you have received. He won’t spread Gossip and He is the only one who can really make a difference.
God knows our hearts. He knows our anger, our joy, our sorrow, our hurts. Nothing is going to surprise God. In fact, authentic prayer is sharing our real feelings with God. As we talk things out with HIm, He will help us to come to a greater understanding.
But be fair – give God time to answer. Listen to what He says. He most often speaks in a still small voice in our spirits, seldom does He speak out loud. We can get an impression or an idea from God that can help us. One God idea can move us further and faster than any idea from our own minds.
How do we know it is a God idea? A God idea will line up with the BIble, the Word of God. God will not contradict Himself or His Word. If in doubt, find someone who is a godly counselor and run your idea by them. God ideas are based on truth and His Word. The spirit and the Word must agree.
Now that I know God, the kind of anger I had above would not be appropriate. God was willing to accept me where I was back then, but we have walked together for ten years now, and there is a greater level of accountability. I still am honest with God, and not afraid to ask Him to help me understand what is happening in my life. He is never afraid of our questions. He wants us to come to Him and share what we are feeling.
Suggestion: Take some time talking and listening to God today. He loves you so much.